What Keeps You Up...

Yesterday on a walk with my son, he asked me "Mom, what keeps you up at night?" I said something super mom-like and shrugged it off.

Bur then he told me that "constant memories" keep him up at night. I said that I have a lot of memories at night too and that when they start to be sad memories, I think about an equally happy one to make things better.

The truth about what keeps me up at night is this... all the things that go with being a mom. Fear of the future, the unknown. Disappointment in myself. Worry that I have completely failed at "momming" and that they will hate me forever. Being a mom is hard. Being honest, yet protecting their little hearts is tough. Shielding them from harsh realities that they shouldn't have to worry about. Making sure that you give them enough happy memories to outweigh any of the bad memories. Trying to do it all. Be super mom. Trying to compete with all the other moms out there that, thanks to social media want us to believe that they are perfect.

It. Is. Super. Difficult.

At some point you have to stop and remember that being super mom isn't the goal. Being super isn't even the goal. At the end of the day it is okay to be just okay. Good is still good.

Because we all have days when we fail completely. At work. At home. In traffic. At the grocery store. Wherever it is, we all fail some days. And that is okay.

You've got to take the bad with the good. The sad with the happy. It all evens out. Just do you. Be you and let your children know you. They will know in the end that you gave it your all and that it's okay to be human. To make mistakes. To be a real, genuine, just okay mom.

I promise one day they will say you are super.

What keeps you up at night?

From Where I Sit

Ya' know that feeling you get when you come to a crossroads in your life? A fork, a T, a full four way stop. Whatever it is, you have to make some hard decisions. And if you're anything like me you feel a little (a lot) lost. Unsure of yourself and your future. Afraid to make the wrong choice. Afraid to listen to your inner voice. Afraid of more changes. Afraid to make other people uncomfortable or angry. Especially if you've gone through a lot of heart wrenching things in the last year. Maybe a complete change is exactly what you need. But you're still afraid.

 Fear. Sucks.

I am not sure which direction I will go in. Which doors will open up for me and which doors will be closed. I DO know that I have laid it all at Gods feet. I have prayed for peace and strength and that he who knows my destination will continue to build my path for me. And I've stopped caring about what people who have no idea what I've truly gone through think and feel.

The peace that he is in control and will shield me has come. The strength is a daily process of little steps that lead to mountains climbed. And wherever life takes me I can tell you this... No matter what happens, life looks good from where I sit.

I channel Elvis. In a way...

Do you ever feel like your creative genius is channeling Elvis? It's been there, but it's left the building? Sometimes I feel that way. And I get a little bummed but I can't put into words why I am blue. Then something will happen and I will be creative for a purpose, a reason, a deadline (usually). And you know what happens? I remember what it feels like to let that creativity flow from my mind and into my hands. Out of my hands and into the material that I am working with, whatever that may be. And I am happy. At peace. No longer restless. And I create and create and create some more. I feed my need for creativity. And it feels good. So, so good! But what if I didn't know that was my need? What do people do when they are forever restless and can't find why?

I wonder if you could put into words what kind of soul you feel like you have? Are you an old soul? A tender soul? A restless soul? A peaceful soul?

And why? Have you always been that way, have you been jaded by life at some point? I wonder. I wonder. Do you have a need to feed? What is it that drives you? When are you at your most expressive and true self? I wonder...

Hanging Head, In Shame....

I have no exuses. I've just taken a really long break from blogging and I'm sorry. I've started back to school this semester. I'm taking 8 hours right now but will take 3 more hours at the end of the semester. This is my capstone semester and I'm having a lot of fun so far. I've chosen my classroom for my work study and I've chosen my target child in that classroom that I will focus on maintaining a portfolio for.

I have a co-teaching student with me and we have already chosen our project topic. I am so, so, so excited about this! We are using the book Weslandia....such a great book for this age (3rd grade). I read it this week and they loved it.

Now we are exploring what it would be like to create our own society...they are extremeley interested in the politics and the jobs that go into creating a society. I can't wait to see where all it takes us.

Life at home is good. Little Lexi is growing like a weed. Skylar is gorgeous and Clark is just as crazy as always. Hope life is treating you well and I promise I will start back up to blogging! :)

Linking Up.....

I linked up my Batik Project over at Running With Glitter today! I love this blog and I was super excited to find out she's a local gal to me! Go check out her page and link up a project of your own!

Art, Art and more Art....

So, my kiddos and I have been working diligently on a project or two around the house! And I am excited that now I can post a pic of one that is finished.

And it turned out AMAZING! It was so much fun and I love that we honestly worked on it for like five days! And we had all the materials on hand already so it cost nothing, but even if you bought stuff it wouldn't be that expensive.

We did a Batik on a sheet. We are going to hang the sheet from a line between two trees to be the backdrop for our outdoor stage. I have to do some rearranging of the area before I take pics of that part though. So, here in a serious of pictures is what we did...

Skylar adding Glue.

You need to make sure you use the Gel Glue...

Clark adding glue...this was also a good motor activity to help him strengthen his hand muscles.

This is our sheet after we have added the glue...

We let this dry over night....then the next three nights we added watered down acrylic paint. I just took all the bottles that I had from other projects (which was alot) and poured them in cups and added water....mixing until they were very runny like water. Then we just went out and poured them on. We only did 3 or four colors a night so that we could see how they ran and dried. Then the next night we would know where we had white spots.

This is what it looked like after all the nights of adding paint!

The next step after all the paint was dry was putting through the washer with HOT water. That will dissolve all the glue and leave those spots fresh and white! It looks awesome, but I want to show it to you in it's full glory. So tomorrow when I get it hung up I will take more pics and show you!

Hanging head in shame...

I am the worst blogger evah! I am so sorry! I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I can't even blame school or anything. I've just been unable to think of things that I think are worthy of blogging about. Does anyone else ever have that problem?

School has started back up here. I have one in her last year of middle school and I have one that is starting pre-k in one short week.

Maybe that is what has me so frazzled. Or maybe it's the fact that for the first time in I don't know how long, I am not taking any classes this semester. I find myself not knowing what to do at night because I was so used to reading, studying, andoing homework.

Me and the littles have had a cold this week and the poor baby can't take anything because she is so young. So she is the worst of all of us, poor poor baby!

So, I am sorry that I've been missing from blogland and I promise to try to be better! Hope you have a great Friday!

On the Eve....

This is it. The night before the first day of school for the oldest little. My first born will start the 8th grade tomorrow.

It will be the first time EVER that I have not driven her to her first day. She wants to be big and cool and ride the bus with her new cousin that just joined our family through a wonderful marriage.

I can't deny her that right though. The right to spread her wings and fly. We went to meet the teacher night tonight. Then we had dinner just the two of us. We talked about grown up things and childish things.

We asked each other random "slumber party" questions. Like, if you had to eat something every day for the rest of your life what would it be.

What would yours be?

And we talked about boys, hair, clothes...all that good stuff. Stuff I only get to talk about with my oldest.

I appreciate this little moment of time we had. I love having all my kiddos together at one time and watching them play. But...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

I love having time with each of them seperately too!

So good luck tomorrow big 8th grader! I love you and I know you'll be amazing!

State of flux....

Here's a question for ya'. What did you want to be when you grew up?

Are you doing it? Are you moving towards it?

Am I the only person out here that wants to be so many things that it's hard to contemplate doing just one of them?

When I was little I wanted to be a mommy. Other things would come and go, but always I wanted to be a mommy. I would be damn good at it. I knew.

I am a mommy and I am good at it. Of course, I make my fair share of mistakes. I falter, I forget things, I snap sometimes at them for little things. But all in all, at the end of every day I think I can truly say that I focused on letting my kids just be kids. I don't care about my house looking perfect and clean (much to my hubs dismay). I don't care about having grand parties and being the home room mom. I just want my kids to go to bed each night knowing a)they are loved and b)they got to be themselves. I am confident in this! I am Mommy!

Work, not so much...I'm in a state of flux.

I've worked a lot of jobs since my first one. It used to be a family joke that I was trying to see just how many W2's I could take with me at tax time. But I've always come back to working with kids. So finally it only made sense that I should go back to school to get a degree. I love working with kids. I love being around them, witnessing their ideas and watching them form their ideas about the world. I have been going to school while working full time for the last 7 years. That's a lot of time and energy and I don't regret one minute of it. Even though it has taken me away from children and I have carried so much guilt about that. I have always known that it was getting me closer to my ultimate goal. When I had Lexi 9 months ago, I was so unprepared for the depression that hit me. And I know that I was exhausted and full of new mommy hormones. But I also knew that what I was doing was taking time away from my baby and other littles. Even though I was lucky enough to get to take her to school with me many times, I was just being pulled in too many directions. I was reluctant but sure that I needed to take a break and slow down. So, I dropped some classes and extended my time in school. It will now be another year before I graduate and student teach.

I should be getting ready to step into a classroom this school year. Nervous and giddy with all the energy of a new teacher. But I'm not. I get to hear about all my school friends and their new classes and the teachers they are working with. I will be absolutely ecstatic for them. I still know that it was the right thing to do. For my sanity, for my health, for my children. But, I don't know if it was right for my heart. I don't know if it is still the depression that creeps in. Or if the break has given me too much time to think now. I don't know what is wrong exactly.

I just feel so scared that I've devoted seven (now 8) years of my life to something and when I get to the end of the tunnel....what if I suck at it? What if I can't get a job? What if it isn't everything that I thought it would be?

And then I get mad at myself. Because I never used to be the kind that questioned myself like that. I'm an only child so I tend to think if I want something I will get it. But, I'm being honest here, right. I'm scared. I'm sad. I think I'm a little lost.

Sorry for the bummer post!

Button Love....

I want to win this headband so badly! I just love it! And I love this blog...go check it out...but DON'T try to win the headband please!

http://delirious-rhapsody.blogspot.com/2011/08/hey-lady-nice-button.html

We're Having A Heatwave....

A tropical heat wave. Oh, wait. This isn't so tropical. I would actually welcome a tropical heat wave at this point. At least there would be some breeze coming off the ocean, right?

My mind is kind of melted right now so I warn you that this post will be full of random thoughts and mommy nonsense.

For instance, I have a car that has seen better days. It has no air conditioning right now and getting the A/C charged only last a day. I also have black leather seats. And the two back windows don't roll down.

This basically means that my children don't go anywhere with me except the baby because she is little and can't (yet) refuse to get in the car with me.

It also means that on our 15 minute drive home today in the 110 degree heat of our town...I worried that she might have become unconscious due to the heat because she was quiet...so I did what any good mommy would do and said her name a little too loudly...I scared the crap out of her. I saw her poor feet jump. That was just wrong of me.

This crazy ass heat also means that people are using up water like freaking crazy and let's be honest...some of them are using it to water their lawns. Ridiculous! Seriously, utterly, ridiculous! It's over 100 degrees and it has been for weeks....who gives a shit about your lawns!!!! I don't have water every night for atleast four hours while I try to cook dinner and do dishes and heaven for bid try to bathe my children...so I'll be damned if I care about your lawn growing!

Ok, thanks for letting me rant and rave. I could go on and on about some other things as well, but I think we've all had enough for one night!

Here is a really funny picture to remind us all that sometimes when your older children pick on your baby...it can be really, really, funny!

Deep Thoughts...

I used to be really good at locking away my feelings about things and pretending they didn't bother me.

I once spent years in a marriage where I lost everything I ever knew and loved about myself.

I had to rebuild the person I thought I was. I had been shattered, betrayed, broken to the very core.

So I did it. I hit rock bottom. I went through things that people shouldn't have to go through. Only the love of my family and friends got me through it.

And I grew, I came out of my cocoon a new and better butterfly. Determined that I wouldn't settle, I wouldn't hold things in, I wouldn't let anyone other than me define me, make me or break me.

I went on with life and grew my family through another marriage and more littles. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I made plans to get where I wanted to go for a change.

And after time, it just got easier to hold things in a little. And then alot.

And then I had a breakdown. Granted it was a hormonally induced made worse by complete exhaustion breakdown. But I hid it so well for so long that even the person who is supposed to know me better than anyone...didn't know. I had slipped back into that woman that thinks it is easier to just keep everyone else happy and quiet. Despite how she might be hurting. How does that happen? What was I afraid of?

Am I willing to be broken again? Could I rebuild myself again? I've had to do some surface repairing, but what about another overall rehaul? I don't think I can.

So, I mustered up all the courage I had tonight and spoke my mind. Said my peace. Rocked the boat.

Will it make any difference? Honestly, probably not. That's how it got this bad in the first place. Remember, that first time I rebuilt myself I was open and honest and spoke my mind...but it never made a difference. Things didn't change because of what I said or how I felt. So that's when it became easier to stay silent.

So that's where I am right now...the crossroads. Stand still and get hit by a truck. Or cross over and walk into the empty desert.

I am a Woman?

You heard me right.

I know many of you will relate to this post.

I am a mother. I work full time. I am currently on a break from school, but I usually take anywhere between 11 and 18 hours a semester.

I'm a little busy, to say the least. And honestly I'm not always a froo-froo girl. I don't wear make-up unless it's a special occassion and my hair spends alot of time in a ponytail.

So imagine my surprise when I went to get my hair done tonight. You see, my uncle is getting married this weekend and it's kind of a big deal. So we all got new do's. I came out of the chair looking like a woman! And a hot one if I dare say so myself.

Sometimes it's nice to stop in the middle of all the crazy and be reminded that you're a woman. And perhaps you still have some of your groove after all.

Linking up today for Happiness Is over at Rub Some Dirt On It

A Review...

So what do you think about my new design?

I love it...

It is very me and my header now has all three of my littles on it.

So, who did it? The Amazing Grace! That's really her name.

She is the sweet little owner of Gracely Designs.

She listened to me about what I wanted and asked questions when needed. She took free range of the project with what I asked for and I think she did an amazing job! And she was so professional and nice.

And it wasn't until halfway through the project, when I realized that she is young...like my daughter young! That made me so much more impressed with her. I was astounded at her level of professionalism and her desire to run a business.

It also lead me to think alot about my daughter and what she could accomplish if I was brave enough to set her out into the world with her own little business venture.

So, please help Grace build her business and stop by to see what she is capable of. I have been very happy with the whole interaction.

Thanks, Grace for a job well done!

Lea

Outdoor Extravaganza...

I am so excited about the plans that I have for a certain area I have outside in my yard.

It's a little shady and tucked in so it always makes me think "fort". I am going to put in a little playhut, a mud kitchen and hopefully some music/art aspect.

Here are some pictures to get you thinking about it...

So, what do you think? Does it scream "fort" to you? Can you envision other things there? What would you do if it was your yard? I really want it to be open ended and child created. Once I set it up, I want to be able to sit back and just watch their little minds run away from them.

Rock Star...

I think my son may think he is a Rock Star. Well, I'm not really sure what he thinks but I know that at some point in the middle of the night he thought to get out of bed and just pass out in the middle of the hallway. So, like the good mother that I am, I took a picture and left him there. Trust me, if I had moved him he would have been awake for good.

And I am linking up this morning with Katie over at Loves of Life for her Saturday Morning Scene.




Happy Saturday!!!
~Lea

Winner, Winner, Winner...

I know, obnoxious, right?

But it's true. I actually won something...the bragging rights!

I am flattered that Rachel over @ and then,she snapped chose one of my pics as one of her favorites for last weeks Show Off Your Shot.

Thanks, Rachel!

To Etsy or Not To Etsy...

That is the question!

I love Etsy. I love knowing that I could create things that others might possibly want to buy. I love the creativenes, the searching, the finding. All of that.

Do I love it enough to spread my wings and jump off the bridge?

Where on earth would I find the time?

Would it be worth it?

Could I ever make enough money to warrant the time and attention I would have to put into it?

So many questions! I am thinking about opening an Etsy shop and I am so unsure!

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

That is all. Goodbye.

Growing up...

Lexi is 9 months old now. She is amazingly good natured and she is my silent watcher.

She has just learned to pull herself up and uses this new skill quite often when she wants something (like her sister, mother, brother, father, or remote) on the couch!

So this is how we spend most of our Saturday mornings around here. Just laying around playing with the baby. Watching her discover the world and gain all her new little skills. In my mind, I say prayer after prayer and every magic word I can think of to just keep her little.

I am linking up today at Loves of Life for her Saturday Morning Scene! Go check it out!

Baby/Dog-What's the Difference...

I am a little sleep deprived today. We've got a sick baby in the house. She woke up @ 4 in the morning crying with a dirty diaper. I could hear her little tummy gurgling. I had only been asleep for about 2 hours because she took her bottle late and had a dirty diaper. Then her daddy let her see him and she wanted some snuggle time with him. Ok, I am pulling a Pulp Fiction and skipping around too much. So this morning at 4 I get her changed and make her a bottle, put her back to bed and she proceeds to chatter and roll around and scoot and nestle and giggle (I mean, really what is so funny in the dark?). So an hour and a half later I am falling back to sleep. Just in time for boy wonder to run in and try to awaken his father. But of course my husband sleeps like the dead and doesn't hear a darn thing through any of this....

He does finally stumble into the living room to turn on cartoons for the boy. 30 minutes later, asleep again, I hear "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" so I am trying to get the husband to get up again before the boy actually wakes up the baby. No such luck! So it's 7 I've had no sleep and I have two very awake children and 1 snoozing husband. Yay Me!

I get all the kids out to the living room so that Sleeping Beauty can get his sleep (lucky him). I make a little prison coral for the little lass so she won't roam around the house. I do this using EVERY SINGLE COUCH PILLOW! Throw some toys on the floor and plop down on the couch. (I know I just lost my Mommy Award). I am ok with it.

A little later after I had dozed off looked away for a minute I see her playing happily on the floor surrounded by mountains of couch pillows, chewing on a toy. And I think to myself "It's like I have a dog". I mean, follow me here...you put 'em in a fence and throw 'em something to chew on and they are both completely happy.

I start to think of others ways they are like dogs. I start a little Top Ten list in my head.

10. They both wag something when they see you coming. For little lass it's her arms. She just gets so excited and starts waving her arms around like windmills.

9. They both whine and stay up all night when you first bring them home.

8. It takes patience and dedication to potty train them.

7. Sometimes, that potty training lends itself to little "accidents".

6. They start out needing us a lot and then move to needing us less and less.

5. They like to play fetch. Except babies like to be the one throwing the object.

4. They chew on things.

3. They like to sleep in your bed.

2. They can always find the one teeny tiny speck of trash/food/dirt on the floor.

1. And the number one way babies are like dogs....You can't help but love 'em!

Here's a pic of little Lexi at the Dr. this morning totally rockin' the jean skirt look! She's just the happiest little baby, even when she doesn't feel good.

You can find me linked up here today for Bee Friendly Friday!