On the Eve....

This is it. The night before the first day of school for the oldest little. My first born will start the 8th grade tomorrow.

It will be the first time EVER that I have not driven her to her first day. She wants to be big and cool and ride the bus with her new cousin that just joined our family through a wonderful marriage.

I can't deny her that right though. The right to spread her wings and fly. We went to meet the teacher night tonight. Then we had dinner just the two of us. We talked about grown up things and childish things.

We asked each other random "slumber party" questions. Like, if you had to eat something every day for the rest of your life what would it be.

What would yours be?

And we talked about boys, hair, clothes...all that good stuff. Stuff I only get to talk about with my oldest.

I appreciate this little moment of time we had. I love having all my kiddos together at one time and watching them play. But...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...

I love having time with each of them seperately too!

So good luck tomorrow big 8th grader! I love you and I know you'll be amazing!

State of flux....

Here's a question for ya'. What did you want to be when you grew up?

Are you doing it? Are you moving towards it?

Am I the only person out here that wants to be so many things that it's hard to contemplate doing just one of them?

When I was little I wanted to be a mommy. Other things would come and go, but always I wanted to be a mommy. I would be damn good at it. I knew.

I am a mommy and I am good at it. Of course, I make my fair share of mistakes. I falter, I forget things, I snap sometimes at them for little things. But all in all, at the end of every day I think I can truly say that I focused on letting my kids just be kids. I don't care about my house looking perfect and clean (much to my hubs dismay). I don't care about having grand parties and being the home room mom. I just want my kids to go to bed each night knowing a)they are loved and b)they got to be themselves. I am confident in this! I am Mommy!

Work, not so much...I'm in a state of flux.

I've worked a lot of jobs since my first one. It used to be a family joke that I was trying to see just how many W2's I could take with me at tax time. But I've always come back to working with kids. So finally it only made sense that I should go back to school to get a degree. I love working with kids. I love being around them, witnessing their ideas and watching them form their ideas about the world. I have been going to school while working full time for the last 7 years. That's a lot of time and energy and I don't regret one minute of it. Even though it has taken me away from children and I have carried so much guilt about that. I have always known that it was getting me closer to my ultimate goal. When I had Lexi 9 months ago, I was so unprepared for the depression that hit me. And I know that I was exhausted and full of new mommy hormones. But I also knew that what I was doing was taking time away from my baby and other littles. Even though I was lucky enough to get to take her to school with me many times, I was just being pulled in too many directions. I was reluctant but sure that I needed to take a break and slow down. So, I dropped some classes and extended my time in school. It will now be another year before I graduate and student teach.

I should be getting ready to step into a classroom this school year. Nervous and giddy with all the energy of a new teacher. But I'm not. I get to hear about all my school friends and their new classes and the teachers they are working with. I will be absolutely ecstatic for them. I still know that it was the right thing to do. For my sanity, for my health, for my children. But, I don't know if it was right for my heart. I don't know if it is still the depression that creeps in. Or if the break has given me too much time to think now. I don't know what is wrong exactly.

I just feel so scared that I've devoted seven (now 8) years of my life to something and when I get to the end of the tunnel....what if I suck at it? What if I can't get a job? What if it isn't everything that I thought it would be?

And then I get mad at myself. Because I never used to be the kind that questioned myself like that. I'm an only child so I tend to think if I want something I will get it. But, I'm being honest here, right. I'm scared. I'm sad. I think I'm a little lost.

Sorry for the bummer post!

Button Love....

I want to win this headband so badly! I just love it! And I love this blog...go check it out...but DON'T try to win the headband please!

http://delirious-rhapsody.blogspot.com/2011/08/hey-lady-nice-button.html

We're Having A Heatwave....

A tropical heat wave. Oh, wait. This isn't so tropical. I would actually welcome a tropical heat wave at this point. At least there would be some breeze coming off the ocean, right?

My mind is kind of melted right now so I warn you that this post will be full of random thoughts and mommy nonsense.

For instance, I have a car that has seen better days. It has no air conditioning right now and getting the A/C charged only last a day. I also have black leather seats. And the two back windows don't roll down.

This basically means that my children don't go anywhere with me except the baby because she is little and can't (yet) refuse to get in the car with me.

It also means that on our 15 minute drive home today in the 110 degree heat of our town...I worried that she might have become unconscious due to the heat because she was quiet...so I did what any good mommy would do and said her name a little too loudly...I scared the crap out of her. I saw her poor feet jump. That was just wrong of me.

This crazy ass heat also means that people are using up water like freaking crazy and let's be honest...some of them are using it to water their lawns. Ridiculous! Seriously, utterly, ridiculous! It's over 100 degrees and it has been for weeks....who gives a shit about your lawns!!!! I don't have water every night for atleast four hours while I try to cook dinner and do dishes and heaven for bid try to bathe my children...so I'll be damned if I care about your lawn growing!

Ok, thanks for letting me rant and rave. I could go on and on about some other things as well, but I think we've all had enough for one night!

Here is a really funny picture to remind us all that sometimes when your older children pick on your baby...it can be really, really, funny!

Deep Thoughts...

I used to be really good at locking away my feelings about things and pretending they didn't bother me.

I once spent years in a marriage where I lost everything I ever knew and loved about myself.

I had to rebuild the person I thought I was. I had been shattered, betrayed, broken to the very core.

So I did it. I hit rock bottom. I went through things that people shouldn't have to go through. Only the love of my family and friends got me through it.

And I grew, I came out of my cocoon a new and better butterfly. Determined that I wouldn't settle, I wouldn't hold things in, I wouldn't let anyone other than me define me, make me or break me.

I went on with life and grew my family through another marriage and more littles. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I made plans to get where I wanted to go for a change.

And after time, it just got easier to hold things in a little. And then alot.

And then I had a breakdown. Granted it was a hormonally induced made worse by complete exhaustion breakdown. But I hid it so well for so long that even the person who is supposed to know me better than anyone...didn't know. I had slipped back into that woman that thinks it is easier to just keep everyone else happy and quiet. Despite how she might be hurting. How does that happen? What was I afraid of?

Am I willing to be broken again? Could I rebuild myself again? I've had to do some surface repairing, but what about another overall rehaul? I don't think I can.

So, I mustered up all the courage I had tonight and spoke my mind. Said my peace. Rocked the boat.

Will it make any difference? Honestly, probably not. That's how it got this bad in the first place. Remember, that first time I rebuilt myself I was open and honest and spoke my mind...but it never made a difference. Things didn't change because of what I said or how I felt. So that's when it became easier to stay silent.

So that's where I am right now...the crossroads. Stand still and get hit by a truck. Or cross over and walk into the empty desert.

I am a Woman?

You heard me right.

I know many of you will relate to this post.

I am a mother. I work full time. I am currently on a break from school, but I usually take anywhere between 11 and 18 hours a semester.

I'm a little busy, to say the least. And honestly I'm not always a froo-froo girl. I don't wear make-up unless it's a special occassion and my hair spends alot of time in a ponytail.

So imagine my surprise when I went to get my hair done tonight. You see, my uncle is getting married this weekend and it's kind of a big deal. So we all got new do's. I came out of the chair looking like a woman! And a hot one if I dare say so myself.

Sometimes it's nice to stop in the middle of all the crazy and be reminded that you're a woman. And perhaps you still have some of your groove after all.

Linking up today for Happiness Is over at Rub Some Dirt On It

A Review...

So what do you think about my new design?

I love it...

It is very me and my header now has all three of my littles on it.

So, who did it? The Amazing Grace! That's really her name.

She is the sweet little owner of Gracely Designs.

She listened to me about what I wanted and asked questions when needed. She took free range of the project with what I asked for and I think she did an amazing job! And she was so professional and nice.

And it wasn't until halfway through the project, when I realized that she is young...like my daughter young! That made me so much more impressed with her. I was astounded at her level of professionalism and her desire to run a business.

It also lead me to think alot about my daughter and what she could accomplish if I was brave enough to set her out into the world with her own little business venture.

So, please help Grace build her business and stop by to see what she is capable of. I have been very happy with the whole interaction.

Thanks, Grace for a job well done!

Lea