Last, but not least....

To wrap up my series on little miracles....I bring you Alexandra. In just 3 1/2 short days she will be 6 months old. Six months? Did I just write that? Where has the time gone? I regret that I spent some of it in a daze due to my struggle with exhaustion and depression. I feel extremely lucky that I recognized what was happening fairly quickly and got help. I can honestly say that my relationship with her has not been affected. I have cherished every moment of her sweet six months. But, I know I would have taken more pictures and written more down if I had been more "with it".




What I can tell you is this. She has personality exuding from her every pore. She is happy and smiling the minute I wake her up in the morning. She reaches for me when I walk towards her (I don't remember the other two doing that). Her face lights up when she sees anyone she knows. When she sees a stranger she looks to me first to see if it is ok to smile...but then she always gives 'em a smile.



She was a starving newborn, she was my smallest and she lost weight in the hospital. She couldn't get enough milk, she literally was attached to me constantly. But, when the time came she made the transition from breast to formula like a champion. She gobbles her homemade baby food like she is in a pie eating contest. There hasn't been a food yet that she hasn't liked. I am so happy that I made the decision to make her food. It has been very rewarding for me.




She has found her voice. She chatters like a teenage school girl. And the BEST part of my day is our car ride in the morning and in the evening when she sings along to the radio. I wish I could record it, I swear she is singing. Presh!!!



I can't get enough of her kisses and she can't get enough of mine either. I know this because when I say "I'm gonna kiss you", she opens her mouth and sticks her face out to me. Proof! She takes up the whole bed when she sleeps and she has been sleeping on her tummy for a while now. She is a thumb sucker (my only one) and I think she is going to be left handed...that is the only thumb she will suck.



I think she is going to be a genius and I am pretty sure she is a very visual person. She watches people move across the room and she "predicts" where they will be next if they walk behind something. It's too soon of course to foresee what life will hold for her. I do know that she is loved and cherished. Not just by me, but by all of us. Even Clark likes her, for now at least. We'll see what happens when they have to start sharing a room.

Little Miracle #2....

My planned miracle...Clark, named after Superman.



What can I say about Clark? To know him is to not only love, but adore him. He is amazingly imaginative and adventurous. He has not been afraid of anything since the minute he was born. We should have named him Peter Parker because he can scale anything just like Spiderman. His first word was "up". I mean what baby says "up" before any other word?

He never stops moving. Even in the womb he never stopped moving. Now when he sleeps there is always something "twitching" a finger, a toe, his lips. I used to tell the Dr. he had to get him out of me because he was bruising my insides. He was a very strong mover and kicker. I enjoyed every second of being pregnant. And I knew that it was a boy, I just knew it. We actually got to have a 3D ultrasound done with him and it was so miraculous to get a glimpse of him in there.



Clark has the attention span of a much older child. When he is engrossed in something, there is no stopping him. This is also where is imagination comes into play. He is always re-enacting things, making up stories, and acting things out. His toys are his world and to him they are truly alive. He got a Woody doll from Toy Story for Christmas when he was 2 1/2...later I snapped a picture of him feeding him hot dogs.



He is going to be 4 in May and I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. He started pre-school this year and he has gotten so mature. He picks up on the things he does at school so quickly. He loves to be read to and he loves for me to sing to him at night. He is stubborn. So stinking stubborn. He is the exact replica of his father (even though his father refuses to admit that he acts that way).

He is in the "why" stage of life. He probably says why about 48 times a day. My favorite part is that when I can't think of an answer to his why anymore...I always say "hot dog on a stick" and he stops asking why. Right now, he wants to be a Dr. when he grows up. He likes his Dr. because when you take Buzz and Woody to the Dr. with you, this Dr. examines them first. Clark thinks he is awesome. I can see him as a Pediatrician maybe. He would really relate to his patients.



But I will be happy no matter what he becomes as long as it requires that he wear clothes. That's the other thing you have to know about Clark. He loves to be naked and getting him to keep his clothes on is like running a marathon. Mostly, Clark keeps me laughing and entertained. He says really funny things. Granted sometimes they make me think "what in the world goes on in this boys head?" But I wouldn't trade one minute of it, and I can't wait to see where life takes him. I'm just along for the ride.

Little Miracles...

I have three little miracles. Let me tell you more about them. One at a time...



Skylar, my first. She was a surprise. Me a young girl with no real goals in life yet. Floating around with no responsibilities. In one second my whole world changed. She changed my world. She defined me....I am mother. She was the fussiest baby I had ever met in my whole life! She cried all the time. She couldn't latch on, she was gassy, cholic, just plain grumpy I think. And she could projectile vomit across the room. We sat outside alot together in the Texas Fall weather. (She's my only Texan) I hated living in Texas away from my family and I couldn't wait to come home. And when we did come home...she was a completely different baby. Happy go lucky. But she liked being held (thanks to me never putting her down) so it was hard on other people to watch her. She did everything right on track at just the age she was supposed to and her personality blossomed. She was quietly curious. She took things in, she watched people, she got into everything. She had imaginary friends AND imaginary pets. She's strong, a little shy if you don't know her, silly, artistic and so smart. She plays the guitar. I secretly dream that she'll become a rock star and take care of me when I am older. I also want to go on the road with her and see the world. I think we would have a blast together.



She reads the same way I used to and wish I still had time to. She always has her Kindle in her hand. I wonder what people think of her when they see her nose buried in a book? Are they willing to find out who she really is...? She is still finding out the true meaning of friendship. And it is hard for me to watch her struggle with that. I give her advice, but I know in her head she is saying "Dumb mom, you don't know anything". I wish I could take away all the pain that she might ever feel and I can't believe that she is mine. She is my daughter and I know that once we get past all the horrible teenage years, we will be great friends. We have so much in common and I can see the whole world being open to her if she makes the right decisions.



The most important thing you should know about Skylar is that from the day she was born she's been empathetic. She has made me proud so many times in her 13 years by helping people, showing her empathy towards people, and standing up for what is right. She's on the verge of being a teenager. She's in that perilous middle road. She still wants to be our little girl, but she also wants to be responsible and older. I worry about her constantly, she is already so beautiful and talented. I can't imagine what she might become.



I don't know how I did it, but I think I've managed to raise one great girl so far. Don't get me wrong...there are days she drives me crazy. But I couldn't be prouder or happier to call her my first daughter.

Silent Suffering...

It's been a while since I blogged. I would blame it on a crazy semester at school, but I can't. I was having a crazy semester at school until I literally lost control one day. This will be the hardest thing I have ever written about, but I think my soul needs to let go of it. So I am releasing it out into the world. Not only to give myself the healing power of letting go, but also to maybe help someone else.

There are lots of things no one tells you when you are pregnant and getting ready to have your first baby. But for the most part you figure it out. You make mistakes, but you get through it. There are also lots of things that people do tell you. Not only do they tell you the first time you have a baby, but also the second and the third. The key to this advice or knowledge is that you hear it, take it in and most importantly recognize it when it happens to you.

As many of you know, I started going to college and in my second semester with over half of the program left to go....I got pregnant. Not planned. Suprise. Shock. Oh my gosh! But those feelings subsided and they were replaced by joy. My single greatest pleasure in life comes from mothering my children. It is everything important about me. I am a good mom, no wait, I am a great mom. So now I get to add to my already amazing family. Clark is in preschool, Skylar is in middle school, and a baby will tie everything up in a nice little bow.

I took 17 hours that second semester, nine in the summer and 17 more in the Fall. I gave birth after a healthy 9 month pregnancy. My labor with Lexi was the longest of all three of my labors and there were several "issues" that arose. My recovery was longer because of an allergic reaction to the epidural tape. I was in the emergency room a week later with a urinary tract infection. The baby nursed every two hours and I went back to my full time school schedule just two weeks later. Luckily, she went with me every night.

I took eight weeks off from work and I adored the time I was spending with the baby. Something was different with me though. I didn't even know it at the time. Christmas was coming...I love Christmas! But this year it didn't seem to matter as much. Why? I hated the thought of going back to work and I would cry when I did think about it. I just wanted to curl up in bed with the baby and never leave. But I had to do it. For months I went to work, went to school, nursed, pumped, went to work, went to school, nursed, pumped. That was my life. Was I happy? If you asked me I would say yes...but something was off.

Fast forward to March. I'm sitting in my car crying and I physically cannot drive myself to work. I cannot make myself go to work. It took me an hour to make the drive that day. Other days it was something else. Non-stop crying for something, for nothing, for anything. I thought I could keep going, I thought I could do it all. I've pushed so far and I can't stop now. But then my body rejected my mind. I called the doctor and said I need help, he prescribed me something. I cried because I needed help, I was failing. I would go to work and sit at my desk not knowing what to do, what step comes next in my day? Or I wouldn't go to work at all. I did this for weeks, every day. Then it happened. I lost control. I went to the edge and I was about to fall off the cliff.

I woke up one morning after another night of no sleep. I was changing Lexi's diaper and she smiled at me. I couldn't smile back. I tried. I tried with all my might to smile at her precious little face. But I couldn't. I went to work shaking and I called my step-mom. She told me to call the doctor and I did. They said they would call me back, but in the meantime I had a total breakdown. I freaked, I cried, I rambled on and on about everything I felt and I called the doctor back and said "I need help now". They sent me tot he emergency room.

See where I went wrong was in thinking I was a professional. This is my third baby and I adore babies. Why in the world would there be any problems? Exhaustion, anxiety, stress, depression. I had it all. They warned me with every baby...but I swore it wouldn't happen to me. Well it did.

I had to make some changes to my life. I cut back on my school hours, I stopped nursing, and I take two medications. One for depression and one for anxiety that helps me sleep. I added a year to my schooling when I cut back on my hours,but the time I have gained with my children is worth it.

I laugh everyday. I love everyday. When my children smile at me, I smile back at them. And I thank God everyday for my blessings.

If you or someone you know has any signs of anxiety or depression, especially after having a baby...please don't suffer silently. Get help and get better...It will change your life.

Tis the Season....

I ADORE Christmas. I love it so much. The food, the family, the gingerbread houses, the tree, the presents. And the Christmas Eve candlelight service. I haven't gotten to go to one in several years, but I remember as a child loving them. It is something my mom used to take me to. I would get goosebumps.

This year I think I will start a tradition of sitting all the kids down and reading the story of the birth of Jesus Christ. I also want everyone to start wearing Christmas PJ's, but I ran into a few snags this year. So that will start next year.

Cookies for Santa, Reindeer food, hot cocoa...Clark is 3 this year and I think he is really into the whole thing. I can't wait to see him.

What special traditions does your family have for the Christmas season?

I struggle every year with being an adult that can't yet afford to do as much as I would like. I mean, we do the most for our kids of course and then each other. But I feel bad that our parents are so good to us and we can only afford to get them a few things. I try to make them special and thoughtful, but I wish I could do more. I really, truly love GIVING just as much as getting. I love to see the look on the face of someone I love when they open up something I have picked out for them, or that my kids have made them.

So, my next question...how do make Christmas as special as you can while still saving money?

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

One beginning...another ending!

Wow, 2010 is coming to a close. It is funny to read back through post from when I started this blog and see what was happening in our lives. Not much has changed, yet so much has changed. The news that we were expecting, three more semesters of school out of the way, birthdays, and the arrival of baby Lexi. And now I get to look back on the year and remember how truly lucky I am. Ok, so I didn't finish the Love Dare and I didn't do very well blogging. (Hey I took like 17 hours a semester)! But, I had a great year. And there are no signs that next year should be any different. I am scheduled to graduate in May, finish up classes in the Summer and student teach in the Fall. Clark started preschool this year and over the last few weeks we have seen tremendous changes in him. He still likes to be naked for the majority of the day, but he learned that isn't allowed in public. He shares a fondness for my pizza fascination and buys me the most amazingly thoughtful gifts at his weekly excursion to the restaurant supply store with Gram. And last but not least, he discovered Super Heroes and Star Wars. Our house will never be the same.

Skylar started the 7th grade and for the most part has had good year. She randomly changes boyfriends for no reason and has a pretty good group of friends. She is getting prettier and prettier and I think we are about 2 years away from locking her in the closet. She is just as smart as ever, but has started using her smartness for evil...I fear she is turning to the darkside.

Note the shifty look in her eyes....

The hubs and I are good, he honestly never noticed (or atleast never said he noticed) that I completely abandoned the Love Dare. I still want to do it and hope that I can when things aren't so crazy. And of course, the baby came....the wonderful blessing that we didn't know we wanted. Well, I knew I wanted more and would still have more...if I had an endless supply of money! But, I think she even has Daddy wrapped around her finger now.

So that is kind of our year in a nutshell. Oh there is so much more I could say...but I can't remember it all. So that will be my lesson to myself. If I had taken just a few short minutes a day to blog...I really would have given you the full story!

This is the post to introduce our beautiful new family member! She is six weeks old now and it is funny to read back through when I started this blog, shortly before she was conceived. She was a suprise -thanks to the Love Dare that I was doing at the time. We adore her and we are thankful that God always knows his plan for us and he will see us through all things! So welcome to the world Alexandra...we are so glad that you are here!


Lyrics | Loudon Wainwright III - Daughter lyrics