Silent Suffering...

It's been a while since I blogged. I would blame it on a crazy semester at school, but I can't. I was having a crazy semester at school until I literally lost control one day. This will be the hardest thing I have ever written about, but I think my soul needs to let go of it. So I am releasing it out into the world. Not only to give myself the healing power of letting go, but also to maybe help someone else.

There are lots of things no one tells you when you are pregnant and getting ready to have your first baby. But for the most part you figure it out. You make mistakes, but you get through it. There are also lots of things that people do tell you. Not only do they tell you the first time you have a baby, but also the second and the third. The key to this advice or knowledge is that you hear it, take it in and most importantly recognize it when it happens to you.

As many of you know, I started going to college and in my second semester with over half of the program left to go....I got pregnant. Not planned. Suprise. Shock. Oh my gosh! But those feelings subsided and they were replaced by joy. My single greatest pleasure in life comes from mothering my children. It is everything important about me. I am a good mom, no wait, I am a great mom. So now I get to add to my already amazing family. Clark is in preschool, Skylar is in middle school, and a baby will tie everything up in a nice little bow.

I took 17 hours that second semester, nine in the summer and 17 more in the Fall. I gave birth after a healthy 9 month pregnancy. My labor with Lexi was the longest of all three of my labors and there were several "issues" that arose. My recovery was longer because of an allergic reaction to the epidural tape. I was in the emergency room a week later with a urinary tract infection. The baby nursed every two hours and I went back to my full time school schedule just two weeks later. Luckily, she went with me every night.

I took eight weeks off from work and I adored the time I was spending with the baby. Something was different with me though. I didn't even know it at the time. Christmas was coming...I love Christmas! But this year it didn't seem to matter as much. Why? I hated the thought of going back to work and I would cry when I did think about it. I just wanted to curl up in bed with the baby and never leave. But I had to do it. For months I went to work, went to school, nursed, pumped, went to work, went to school, nursed, pumped. That was my life. Was I happy? If you asked me I would say yes...but something was off.

Fast forward to March. I'm sitting in my car crying and I physically cannot drive myself to work. I cannot make myself go to work. It took me an hour to make the drive that day. Other days it was something else. Non-stop crying for something, for nothing, for anything. I thought I could keep going, I thought I could do it all. I've pushed so far and I can't stop now. But then my body rejected my mind. I called the doctor and said I need help, he prescribed me something. I cried because I needed help, I was failing. I would go to work and sit at my desk not knowing what to do, what step comes next in my day? Or I wouldn't go to work at all. I did this for weeks, every day. Then it happened. I lost control. I went to the edge and I was about to fall off the cliff.

I woke up one morning after another night of no sleep. I was changing Lexi's diaper and she smiled at me. I couldn't smile back. I tried. I tried with all my might to smile at her precious little face. But I couldn't. I went to work shaking and I called my step-mom. She told me to call the doctor and I did. They said they would call me back, but in the meantime I had a total breakdown. I freaked, I cried, I rambled on and on about everything I felt and I called the doctor back and said "I need help now". They sent me tot he emergency room.

See where I went wrong was in thinking I was a professional. This is my third baby and I adore babies. Why in the world would there be any problems? Exhaustion, anxiety, stress, depression. I had it all. They warned me with every baby...but I swore it wouldn't happen to me. Well it did.

I had to make some changes to my life. I cut back on my school hours, I stopped nursing, and I take two medications. One for depression and one for anxiety that helps me sleep. I added a year to my schooling when I cut back on my hours,but the time I have gained with my children is worth it.

I laugh everyday. I love everyday. When my children smile at me, I smile back at them. And I thank God everyday for my blessings.

If you or someone you know has any signs of anxiety or depression, especially after having a baby...please don't suffer silently. Get help and get better...It will change your life.