Sunday, August 7, 2011

State of flux....

Here's a question for ya'. What did you want to be when you grew up?

Are you doing it? Are you moving towards it?

Am I the only person out here that wants to be so many things that it's hard to contemplate doing just one of them?

When I was little I wanted to be a mommy. Other things would come and go, but always I wanted to be a mommy. I would be damn good at it. I knew.

I am a mommy and I am good at it. Of course, I make my fair share of mistakes. I falter, I forget things, I snap sometimes at them for little things. But all in all, at the end of every day I think I can truly say that I focused on letting my kids just be kids. I don't care about my house looking perfect and clean (much to my hubs dismay). I don't care about having grand parties and being the home room mom. I just want my kids to go to bed each night knowing a)they are loved and b)they got to be themselves. I am confident in this! I am Mommy!

Work, not so much...I'm in a state of flux.

I've worked a lot of jobs since my first one. It used to be a family joke that I was trying to see just how many W2's I could take with me at tax time. But I've always come back to working with kids. So finally it only made sense that I should go back to school to get a degree. I love working with kids. I love being around them, witnessing their ideas and watching them form their ideas about the world. I have been going to school while working full time for the last 7 years. That's a lot of time and energy and I don't regret one minute of it. Even though it has taken me away from children and I have carried so much guilt about that. I have always known that it was getting me closer to my ultimate goal. When I had Lexi 9 months ago, I was so unprepared for the depression that hit me. And I know that I was exhausted and full of new mommy hormones. But I also knew that what I was doing was taking time away from my baby and other littles. Even though I was lucky enough to get to take her to school with me many times, I was just being pulled in too many directions. I was reluctant but sure that I needed to take a break and slow down. So, I dropped some classes and extended my time in school. It will now be another year before I graduate and student teach.

I should be getting ready to step into a classroom this school year. Nervous and giddy with all the energy of a new teacher. But I'm not. I get to hear about all my school friends and their new classes and the teachers they are working with. I will be absolutely ecstatic for them. I still know that it was the right thing to do. For my sanity, for my health, for my children. But, I don't know if it was right for my heart. I don't know if it is still the depression that creeps in. Or if the break has given me too much time to think now. I don't know what is wrong exactly.

I just feel so scared that I've devoted seven (now 8) years of my life to something and when I get to the end of the tunnel....what if I suck at it? What if I can't get a job? What if it isn't everything that I thought it would be?

And then I get mad at myself. Because I never used to be the kind that questioned myself like that. I'm an only child so I tend to think if I want something I will get it. But, I'm being honest here, right. I'm scared. I'm sad. I think I'm a little lost.

Sorry for the bummer post!


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