Friday, April 29, 2011

New and Shiny....

Does anyone else find it weird that twice this week something "unexpected" has happened which has forced me to clean something in my house?

Are the cleaning Gods working against me?

Is someone putting voodoo curses on me?

Let me explain my latest cleaning adventure. Oh, yes. I said adventure. It was massive. EPIC. Craziness. Total craziness.

The oldest child is at a school dance. The baby is asleep. It's just me and the little man hanging out. Watching Mary Poppins. Singing songs. Having a grand ol' time. Until I get up to go to the kitchen and he lets a huge fart politely passes some gas. I holler from the kitchen (ok, not really since it's like 7 feet away) "are you ok, did you poop?". He starts crying and runs to the bathroom.

Enter ringing telephone. I answer to hear Nana's voice. Little man stays with Nana several days a week. She proceeds to tell me that he had an upset stomach, with some unfortunate visits to the bathroom today. I am telling her that I know he has a cold and I think the drainage is causing his little tummy to hurt.

Then I round the corner to the bathroom to check on him....

EXPLOSION of poo. Like Hollywood Blockbuster Movie Special Effects kind. I took a picture though I won't share it with you. I value your eye sockets. I sent it to the hubs to make sure he knew how lucky he was to NOT be home.

Then I proceeded to clean. The bathroom. On my hands and knees. Right in the middle of that, the teenager calls to say they let the dance out early and she needs to be picked up. Uh, sorry sister. A little busy right now. Thank God, once again, for Nana.

So, I give you my conspiracy theory bathroom. Clean. Bathroom. Once again, an accident that has made me clean something.

You can admit how jealous you are now.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

When It Rains....

When it rains, it pours. Well, around here we can take that literally and figuratively. It's been a rainy week. Hail the size of golf balls and bigger in some parts. Flooding. Torrential rain. Even on Easter. So that is the literal part.

Here is the figurative part.....

Last night, I opened my water bill. Normally, $25 bucks a month, tops! This month...$133.75!!!! WHAT???? Can anyone say water leak? We have yet to figure this one out.

Last night, 2 out of 3 of my children kept me up all night with their coughing. No other symptoms. No need to pay a copay to hear "there's nothing you can do but let it run it's course". Just coughing. All. Night. Long.

So I took the big kid to school-early mind you, for state testing. Took the baby to the sitter. Came back home to get just a little more sleep.

Woke up to a refrigerator that isn't working. Warm fridge = smelly kitchen. Ugh!

Spent two hours cleaning out fridge and freezer, packing things into the deep freeze, and packing things into cooler to take to the in-laws. Takeing the doors off said fridge to move it to the garage, then moving helping it into the garage. Now I have this...

And this...

Of course, I also now have a nice clean kitchen floor since I used this opportunity to steam it. Now my hubs will probably "break" the fridge all the time so I'll clean.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving...err Easter.....

As I sit here tonight and reflect upon my day, I am so thankful. I got to wake up this morning and make my baby a bottle. I was really heartbroken when I had to stop nursing her because of my exhuastion and her hunger. But I know that in the long run it doesn't matter as long as I still have her here everyday.

I got to wake up this morning and hear my son in the living room playing with all the goodies the Easter Bunny left. I am also thankful that he somehow doesn't remember walking in on me last night as I was putting the baskets together. (????) I'm not sure where he tucked that memory away, and maybe he is playing me now....but he didn't say anything about it. Sure, he's rambuctious and a little crazy. Ok, so we have to fight to keep clothes on him. Actually we've been home for over two hours now and he has yet to undress. That might be a record.

I got to wake up this morning and help my oldest daughter put her eyeshadow on. She just got to start wearing make-up at Christmas and she's still getting the hang of it. Yes, she is one walking ball of hormones, but I am her mother.

Then I got to spend the day with some family. I got to see my grandma and listen to all the great grandkids play together. (I think we only had tears one time) And yes it was from mine! I got to watch Lexi try to crawl. I'm not sure what she thinks she is doing exactly, but it is really cute. She puts her forehead down on the floor and then gets up on both feet and pushes forward.

I got to sit in the passenger seat on the way home and sleep. I heart sleeping, I really, really do. And then when we got home I didn't even have to make dinner. I got to make Lexi some green beans and now I am typing away while she sleeps. I am listening to Clark and the hubs play a video game. I love listening to them play together. Tomorrow it will be back to the daily grind, but for now I will sit and relish in my memories of the day. I'm gonna refer to it as my Spring Thanksgiving!

I hope you had a great Easter day too!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Confession Friday...

I have decided to make Friday....wait for it, Confession Friday! I know, I know. You are jumping out of your seat. About to pee your pants. Can't contain your excitement. And just for the record, I am not sure why I chose Friday to be the day of confession. I just did.

So here it goes...

I giggle when my son says he is watching the "assvertisements" before the movie.

I've never heard the song "Whip My Hair".

When someone falls down in my presence, I laugh out loud.

I have an addiction to Burberry that only my absolulte poorness cures.

I dream about getting pedicures, but can't stand for people to touch my feet.

If I had a whole day to myself to do whatever I wanted, I would probably waste it away asleep in my bed.

I just found out from my babysitter that the baby has been drinking 6 ounces for her for some time now....I've still only been giving her 4 ounces (epic mom fail).

I tell all my children they are my favorite something. Favorite teenager...favorite son...favorite baby. I figure this way they can never come back and say I lied or played favorites.

I wish every day could be the Fourth of July.

I haven't written one thing down in Lexi's baby book (another mom fail).

I love to cook/bake, but I hate to clean up the mess.

I have more, but I suppose that will do for today. I need to go feed that poor starving baby of mine. She is teething and she's such a trooper, but she's been running a slight fever with it. Yesterday she wanted the babysitter to hold her all day. Hope little tooth makes an apperance soon. It's the baby's First Easter. I remember on Skylar's first Easter I walked into her room to get her and she was sitting up in her crib all by herself for the first time! So cute, so long ago.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Mary or Rhoda....

Go on. Admit it. You know you think of yourself as either Mary or Rhoda.

It actually is a major part of one of my very favorite, completely cheesy movies. You see, we can't all be the Mary's of the world. The glamorous single girl in the city making her way all on her own. Ready and waiting for life to take her to her next adventure. Cute and sassy, everyone loved Mary.

So then there's the rest of us...the mom that doesn't get enough sleep at night. The mom that has to make decisions like "should I shave my legs or wash my hair?".
The girls that usually sit and wait for things to happen to them instead of going out and taking the world by storm. The mom that digs in her purse and pulls out a pacifier even though her child hasn't used one in 4 months. (?)

And I am sitting here tonight watching 'Sex In the City 2' and wondering which one am I? I know I am NOT Carrie. I love her to pieces, but I could never pull off the completely bizarre clothes she pairs together.

I'm not Samantha..."nuff said". I don't think I am Miranda because even though she has kids and a husband, she is still all about being a lawyer.

So that leaves Charlotte. Yes, definately. I am Charlotte. For the entire run of this show, Charlotte had her heart set on getting married and having babies. Check Check, that's me! Of course, I am not married to a Jewish man and I don't have a nanny. Bummer to that second one! I kid, I kid.

But it's true. My entire life has been leading up to this point. So, although when I was young I longed to be the Mary....I find life is pretty good as the Rhoda!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

How did I live....

Ok, I have one word for you....INSTAGRAM.

How did I live so long (2 months) with my new iPhone and not know about Instagram?

It is the coolest app. I adore it. For proof of it's total awesomeness, I submit the following evidence...

So, long story short...Instagram is a picture taking app. But it lets you do all sorts of cool effects to your pictures that give them all kinds of retro feel. I love it! I heart it! I cannot live without it now!

If you don't have it, you gots to go out and gets it :)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Tornadoes in my mind....

It's bedtime. Another day is done. Except I am all out of my anxiety medicine. I have been out for a week. I have been taking one Tylenol pm instead so that atleast I will sleep. Now I am out of Tylenol pm. So, now I am left wondering. Wondering what will fill my mind when it should be shutting down. See, that's my problem. As blessed as I am. As much as I have. When I close my eyes to sleep at night, the world closes in on me. My mind races with all the what if's, why's and how's? What if something happens to one of my children? Why do bad things happen to good people and vice versa. How am I going to do all the things I need to do? The list goes on and on and if I was honest. If I told you all the random and completely unrealistic, irrational thoughts that go through my mind. I would think about them too much and not sleep at all. And I simply can't stop them. It's as if I have an Oklahoma tornado whipping through my mind. Well, it starts in my mind and then spreads throughout my body. Leaving nothing but wreckage in it's path. Once again, I am powerless.

So tonight I will pray. I will pray for myself. I will pray for my family. I will pray for the mothers that are lying down to sleep after losing their child. I will pray for people that have wronged me, for I no longer have the desire or the energy to hold that against them. And hopefully, cross my fingers, I will sleep.

And tomorrow greet another day.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Yesterday it was so cold here! So cold! And it was Friday! I don't know what is going on around these parts but all I can say is some people have lost their damn minds! The last two weeks, Friday has been insane! The weirdest stuff that I can't even explain has been happening...but it all boils down to...people have gone off the deep end! I mean what on earth gets into people's head that makes them think they are better than everyone else. Or they can do whatever they want. Get off your high horse crazy! Give someone else a turn up there for awhile!

So I decided to be the super cool, hippy, laid back mom that I am and I played video games with Clark. Till 12:30. AM. In. The. Morning. Oh well, tomorrow is Saturday, I can sleep in. He'll sleep in. No big! Ugh, Lexi didn't get that memo!

She was up at 6:15 for her bottle. No problem, she goes right back to sleep. Any other day that is. She's back up at 8, screaming her head off. Hmmmmm...unhappy baby + sleepy mommy = not pretty. Not pretty at all. I tried everything and I finally came to the conclusion that it must be the teeth. Stupid teeth! So some orajel, tylenol, and cuddles...back to bed we go.

Today it was cold in the morning, but by the afternoon it was so nice out! Also, Skylar got her hair cut and colored! Ugh, she's growing up too fast...she actually gets her hair done more than I do! Thankfully, we have a great hairdresser in the family who takes great care of our hair! Ha of our hair!!!

The gorgeous weather and my beautiful children inspired me to take even MORE pictures of my kids! I don't think you can have too many pictures of your kids. Especially if you are a uber crazy loving mommy like me!

So, here I give you my little love bugs. In all their glory and silliness! I wish every day could be like today.

And just to be fair....a truly horrid picture of me!

And my favorite quote of the day comes from Clark. "Today tonight or tomorrow tonight?" Guess we should start working on that concept.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Devils Playmate....

Ever heard that saying "Idle hands are the devils playground"?

Well, I think they might have been wrong on that one...

I give you my saying, which I think should take the place of that one...

Bored pre-schoolers are the devils playmate. Why do I say this? Have you ever stopped to truly notice what a insane bored pre-schooler does with their time? Well, let me give you some proof.

What is that, you say. That is what a bored pre-schooler does. They run into your kitchen hiding what they have in their hands. You can ask them repeatedly what they are doing. They won't tell you. They'll say something along the lines of "nuffin".

But then you will decide, being the paranoid intelligent mom that you are, to go into the kitchen yourself to see what is going on. And that my friends is when you will see this.

That's right folks. It is none other than Handy Manny's good friend Squeeze. He's just hanging out in my kitchen busting up cheese puffs. Seems that's what he likes to do in his spare time.

Lucky me....

Thursday, April 14, 2011


pro·duc·tive   /prəˈdʌktɪv/ Show Spelled
[pruh-duhk-tiv] Show IPA

1. having the power of producing; generative; creative: a productive effort.
2. producing readily or abundantly; fertile: a productive vineyard.

They really should have my picture under this word in the dictionary.

I prefer this one....

I mean I did manage to write 8 whole brilliant pages of a paper for school tonight. Now I only have to write the other 12 pages or so. I supervised a preschooler at play and answered random questions from the drama queen teenager. Needless to say my house currently looks like an Oklahoma tornado really did come through here...but oh well. Housework does itself, right? Or maybe that's what kids are for. I currently only have one worker bee child old enough to do real housework...but I am already counting the things I can have these other kids do someday. I can't wait till one can wash while the other dries...I detest dishes! Why can't every meal come on a paper plate? I know they will be pros at laundry. I'm sure I will only have to go all "No wire hangers" on them a few times before they get it.

Now, off to feed a baby....that is Super Productive. Yep, that's me Mrs. Productive!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I've seen God....

I've been trying to take the time lately to notice the little things in life. Ya' know smell the roses and all that. I know that part of this is because I have realized how important these little moments are. I knew that before but it has become even more apparent to me since the birth of Lexi. You see, I know she will probably be my last. Unless I win the lottery AND get a bigger house AND drug my husband and talk him into thinking it is a good idea. So you see my chances are slim to none. Which is ok. I am at peace with this little family of mine. God has given me each of them and I am thankful for each of them.

Anyway, back to my story. I've just really been trying to notice the world around me without letting everything pass me by. I also think this is because of the few weeks I spent in a haze. What did I miss in those weeks? A good friend told me yesterday what a difference sleep has made in my life. She said she could actually see the physical changes I've gone through. She said it was good to see me say Hi and smile with my whole face, even my eyes. I was glad to hear this, of course, but I also wondered what people that don't know me must have thought those weeks. I can't even imagine what I looked like on the outside. On the inside I was crawling out of my skin. It was like having an itch deep in the pit of your stomach and not being able to scratch it.

So, since I started to stop and notice things more...I've been seeing God.

I saw him here....


And again here....

I see him here everyday, lucky me!

Have you seen God lately? I sincerely hope you have. If you haven't, take a minute to stop and look around...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Who, not What...

I realized today as I was reflecting on the past few days and my blogs about my kids that I mentioned in each of them WHAT I though they might become when they are grown.

Then I thought, I don't care at all WHAT they become. Rather I care WHO they become. Which I think is much more defining and important. So I decided to compile a list tonight of WHO I want each of my children to be...and I decided to do it in letter format. I could have just put together a list, and if I did they all 3 would say alot of the same things. But I thought letters would be more fun.

Skylar, I think you are amazing. I think you are creative and outgoing and that you have an extremely large capacity to love. I think that when you are grown you will be a wonderfully strong woman. I know this because of all the things you have already been through in your life. You have overcome all of them with ease and grace. I hope that you will be discerning in your relationships so that you will not have to be dragged down by other peoples actions. I hope that you will continue to be empathetic and compassionate, seeing the qualities in others that people don't always see. I hope that you will be the type of woman that is honest, dependable, and giving. I don't know yet if you will want to marry or have children, but if you do I hope that you find the love that you deserve. I hope that you are able to be a comfort and safe haven for your husband. I hope that you will realize that it is the feeling of a home that matters, not the contents of it. I hope that if you have children you will remember to count your blessings daily, never take one moment for granted, and always show them through your actions who you want them to be. It is always your actions that define you as a person, so make sure that you are behaving in a way that you will never regret. Be a good friend to people and expect the same in return. Most of all I hope you are happy and content, that you never hold your feelings in because they can eat away at you, and that you are able to forgive others even when you don't think you can.

Clark, you are already so brave and wise. I think you are secretly an old man full of wisdom and you are just hiding it from us. I hope as you get older and grow you will become even more inquisitive. I think it is your curiousity and imagination that will take you farthest in life. I hope that you are constantly searching for your next great adventure, but that it is legal and respectable. :) I hope that you will be an inspiration to others through your actions. I hope that you are a leader, which I think you will be. Mostly I hope that you are honorable. I hope that when people talk about you they can honestly say that you are a great man. A man of strength, wisdom, integrity and grit. That's right, I said grit. I want you to be able to take everything that comes at you and handle it. If you should become a husband, I hope that you are a giving husband. Make sure that you are never afraid to tell and show your wife how you feel. I hope that you are open about your feelings and not afraid to show your wife that you have emotions. Be her rock and her provider and fight for your relationship. Do not let outside influences have any bearing on your marriage. You must be the man, the head of the home and love, respect, and cherish her. If you are a father, I hope that you are a hands-on father. Remember that children need their Daddy. Give them your time and your attention, your hugs and kisses. Play with them, play with them, play with them. Put your family first in all decisions and you will make the right ones.

Lexi, I hope that when you are an adult you will still be as happy as you are now. I hope that you see the good in every situation. I hope that you have watched any mistakes your older siblings have made and that you are smart enough to not do those things. I want you to be independent and I will try my hardest not to treat you like my youngest and therefore take that independence away from you. I hope that you are able to make your own path and not let others lead you astray. I hope that you are willing to live life to the fullest and turn any situation into a learning experience. Many of life's lessons are learned on accident, remember to look for them as you are living. I hope that you love with all of your heart, never be afriad to love because of the uncertainty of it. Never let a man define who you are. You are the only you out there and no one should ever have the power to change anything about you. I want you to be respected and cherished. I hope that you are the type of person that people think of and know they can count on. Someone that can be called in the time of need and will always be there. If you marry, I hope that you will know how to give of yourself completely. It can be hard, but your husband must know that your love is true and that you are willing to be the other half of him. I hope that if you have children, you will always treat them as individuals. I hope that I have modeled that for you and that you are able to do it for your own. Children need a Mommy that is always in their corner and advocates for them. You must be willing to put yourself on the line to stand up for your children. I hope that you are fulfilled and complete and that when you look back on your life you can say "I have only good memories, I learned from my mistakes, and I have loved and been loved".

Mainly, for all of my children I hope that they are able to think for themselves. That they are creative, adventurous, and constantly searching for answers to their questions. WHAT they are in the long run matters to no one. They can be teachers, lawyers, doctors, artists, I really don't care. As long as I have happy children that love each other, take care of each other, and make me proud through their actions towards others. They will make mistakes, they will embarass me, scare the hell out of me, worry me and give me thousands of grey hairs. I'm ready to be here for them to yell at, cry on, hug, and ask advice...well I'll give advice whether they ask or not.

Well, I've gone on for far too long....I just love these kiddos of mine. I can't wait to see WHO they become. Take some time tonight to think of WHO you want your children to become.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Last, but not least....

To wrap up my series on little miracles....I bring you Alexandra. In just 3 1/2 short days she will be 6 months old. Six months? Did I just write that? Where has the time gone? I regret that I spent some of it in a daze due to my struggle with exhaustion and depression. I feel extremely lucky that I recognized what was happening fairly quickly and got help. I can honestly say that my relationship with her has not been affected. I have cherished every moment of her sweet six months. But, I know I would have taken more pictures and written more down if I had been more "with it".

What I can tell you is this. She has personality exuding from her every pore. She is happy and smiling the minute I wake her up in the morning. She reaches for me when I walk towards her (I don't remember the other two doing that). Her face lights up when she sees anyone she knows. When she sees a stranger she looks to me first to see if it is ok to smile...but then she always gives 'em a smile.

She was a starving newborn, she was my smallest and she lost weight in the hospital. She couldn't get enough milk, she literally was attached to me constantly. But, when the time came she made the transition from breast to formula like a champion. She gobbles her homemade baby food like she is in a pie eating contest. There hasn't been a food yet that she hasn't liked. I am so happy that I made the decision to make her food. It has been very rewarding for me.

She has found her voice. She chatters like a teenage school girl. And the BEST part of my day is our car ride in the morning and in the evening when she sings along to the radio. I wish I could record it, I swear she is singing. Presh!!!

I can't get enough of her kisses and she can't get enough of mine either. I know this because when I say "I'm gonna kiss you", she opens her mouth and sticks her face out to me. Proof! She takes up the whole bed when she sleeps and she has been sleeping on her tummy for a while now. She is a thumb sucker (my only one) and I think she is going to be left handed...that is the only thumb she will suck.

I think she is going to be a genius and I am pretty sure she is a very visual person. She watches people move across the room and she "predicts" where they will be next if they walk behind something. It's too soon of course to foresee what life will hold for her. I do know that she is loved and cherished. Not just by me, but by all of us. Even Clark likes her, for now at least. We'll see what happens when they have to start sharing a room.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Little Miracle #2....

My planned miracle...Clark, named after Superman.

What can I say about Clark? To know him is to not only love, but adore him. He is amazingly imaginative and adventurous. He has not been afraid of anything since the minute he was born. We should have named him Peter Parker because he can scale anything just like Spiderman. His first word was "up". I mean what baby says "up" before any other word?

He never stops moving. Even in the womb he never stopped moving. Now when he sleeps there is always something "twitching" a finger, a toe, his lips. I used to tell the Dr. he had to get him out of me because he was bruising my insides. He was a very strong mover and kicker. I enjoyed every second of being pregnant. And I knew that it was a boy, I just knew it. We actually got to have a 3D ultrasound done with him and it was so miraculous to get a glimpse of him in there.

Clark has the attention span of a much older child. When he is engrossed in something, there is no stopping him. This is also where is imagination comes into play. He is always re-enacting things, making up stories, and acting things out. His toys are his world and to him they are truly alive. He got a Woody doll from Toy Story for Christmas when he was 2 1/2...later I snapped a picture of him feeding him hot dogs.

He is going to be 4 in May and I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. He started pre-school this year and he has gotten so mature. He picks up on the things he does at school so quickly. He loves to be read to and he loves for me to sing to him at night. He is stubborn. So stinking stubborn. He is the exact replica of his father (even though his father refuses to admit that he acts that way).

He is in the "why" stage of life. He probably says why about 48 times a day. My favorite part is that when I can't think of an answer to his why anymore...I always say "hot dog on a stick" and he stops asking why. Right now, he wants to be a Dr. when he grows up. He likes his Dr. because when you take Buzz and Woody to the Dr. with you, this Dr. examines them first. Clark thinks he is awesome. I can see him as a Pediatrician maybe. He would really relate to his patients.

But I will be happy no matter what he becomes as long as it requires that he wear clothes. That's the other thing you have to know about Clark. He loves to be naked and getting him to keep his clothes on is like running a marathon. Mostly, Clark keeps me laughing and entertained. He says really funny things. Granted sometimes they make me think "what in the world goes on in this boys head?" But I wouldn't trade one minute of it, and I can't wait to see where life takes him. I'm just along for the ride.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Little Miracles...

I have three little miracles. Let me tell you more about them. One at a time...

Skylar, my first. She was a surprise. Me a young girl with no real goals in life yet. Floating around with no responsibilities. In one second my whole world changed. She changed my world. She defined me....I am mother. She was the fussiest baby I had ever met in my whole life! She cried all the time. She couldn't latch on, she was gassy, cholic, just plain grumpy I think. And she could projectile vomit across the room. We sat outside alot together in the Texas Fall weather. (She's my only Texan) I hated living in Texas away from my family and I couldn't wait to come home. And when we did come home...she was a completely different baby. Happy go lucky. But she liked being held (thanks to me never putting her down) so it was hard on other people to watch her. She did everything right on track at just the age she was supposed to and her personality blossomed. She was quietly curious. She took things in, she watched people, she got into everything. She had imaginary friends AND imaginary pets. She's strong, a little shy if you don't know her, silly, artistic and so smart. She plays the guitar. I secretly dream that she'll become a rock star and take care of me when I am older. I also want to go on the road with her and see the world. I think we would have a blast together.

She reads the same way I used to and wish I still had time to. She always has her Kindle in her hand. I wonder what people think of her when they see her nose buried in a book? Are they willing to find out who she really is...? She is still finding out the true meaning of friendship. And it is hard for me to watch her struggle with that. I give her advice, but I know in her head she is saying "Dumb mom, you don't know anything". I wish I could take away all the pain that she might ever feel and I can't believe that she is mine. She is my daughter and I know that once we get past all the horrible teenage years, we will be great friends. We have so much in common and I can see the whole world being open to her if she makes the right decisions.

The most important thing you should know about Skylar is that from the day she was born she's been empathetic. She has made me proud so many times in her 13 years by helping people, showing her empathy towards people, and standing up for what is right. She's on the verge of being a teenager. She's in that perilous middle road. She still wants to be our little girl, but she also wants to be responsible and older. I worry about her constantly, she is already so beautiful and talented. I can't imagine what she might become.

I don't know how I did it, but I think I've managed to raise one great girl so far. Don't get me wrong...there are days she drives me crazy. But I couldn't be prouder or happier to call her my first daughter.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Silent Suffering...

It's been a while since I blogged. I would blame it on a crazy semester at school, but I can't. I was having a crazy semester at school until I literally lost control one day. This will be the hardest thing I have ever written about, but I think my soul needs to let go of it. So I am releasing it out into the world. Not only to give myself the healing power of letting go, but also to maybe help someone else.

There are lots of things no one tells you when you are pregnant and getting ready to have your first baby. But for the most part you figure it out. You make mistakes, but you get through it. There are also lots of things that people do tell you. Not only do they tell you the first time you have a baby, but also the second and the third. The key to this advice or knowledge is that you hear it, take it in and most importantly recognize it when it happens to you.

As many of you know, I started going to college and in my second semester with over half of the program left to go....I got pregnant. Not planned. Suprise. Shock. Oh my gosh! But those feelings subsided and they were replaced by joy. My single greatest pleasure in life comes from mothering my children. It is everything important about me. I am a good mom, no wait, I am a great mom. So now I get to add to my already amazing family. Clark is in preschool, Skylar is in middle school, and a baby will tie everything up in a nice little bow.

I took 17 hours that second semester, nine in the summer and 17 more in the Fall. I gave birth after a healthy 9 month pregnancy. My labor with Lexi was the longest of all three of my labors and there were several "issues" that arose. My recovery was longer because of an allergic reaction to the epidural tape. I was in the emergency room a week later with a urinary tract infection. The baby nursed every two hours and I went back to my full time school schedule just two weeks later. Luckily, she went with me every night.

I took eight weeks off from work and I adored the time I was spending with the baby. Something was different with me though. I didn't even know it at the time. Christmas was coming...I love Christmas! But this year it didn't seem to matter as much. Why? I hated the thought of going back to work and I would cry when I did think about it. I just wanted to curl up in bed with the baby and never leave. But I had to do it. For months I went to work, went to school, nursed, pumped, went to work, went to school, nursed, pumped. That was my life. Was I happy? If you asked me I would say yes...but something was off.

Fast forward to March. I'm sitting in my car crying and I physically cannot drive myself to work. I cannot make myself go to work. It took me an hour to make the drive that day. Other days it was something else. Non-stop crying for something, for nothing, for anything. I thought I could keep going, I thought I could do it all. I've pushed so far and I can't stop now. But then my body rejected my mind. I called the doctor and said I need help, he prescribed me something. I cried because I needed help, I was failing. I would go to work and sit at my desk not knowing what to do, what step comes next in my day? Or I wouldn't go to work at all. I did this for weeks, every day. Then it happened. I lost control. I went to the edge and I was about to fall off the cliff.

I woke up one morning after another night of no sleep. I was changing Lexi's diaper and she smiled at me. I couldn't smile back. I tried. I tried with all my might to smile at her precious little face. But I couldn't. I went to work shaking and I called my step-mom. She told me to call the doctor and I did. They said they would call me back, but in the meantime I had a total breakdown. I freaked, I cried, I rambled on and on about everything I felt and I called the doctor back and said "I need help now". They sent me tot he emergency room.

See where I went wrong was in thinking I was a professional. This is my third baby and I adore babies. Why in the world would there be any problems? Exhaustion, anxiety, stress, depression. I had it all. They warned me with every baby...but I swore it wouldn't happen to me. Well it did.

I had to make some changes to my life. I cut back on my school hours, I stopped nursing, and I take two medications. One for depression and one for anxiety that helps me sleep. I added a year to my schooling when I cut back on my hours,but the time I have gained with my children is worth it.

I laugh everyday. I love everyday. When my children smile at me, I smile back at them. And I thank God everyday for my blessings.

If you or someone you know has any signs of anxiety or depression, especially after having a baby...please don't suffer silently. Get help and get better...It will change your life.