Sunday, July 31, 2011

Deep Thoughts...

I used to be really good at locking away my feelings about things and pretending they didn't bother me.

I once spent years in a marriage where I lost everything I ever knew and loved about myself.

I had to rebuild the person I thought I was. I had been shattered, betrayed, broken to the very core.

So I did it. I hit rock bottom. I went through things that people shouldn't have to go through. Only the love of my family and friends got me through it.

And I grew, I came out of my cocoon a new and better butterfly. Determined that I wouldn't settle, I wouldn't hold things in, I wouldn't let anyone other than me define me, make me or break me.

I went on with life and grew my family through another marriage and more littles. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I made plans to get where I wanted to go for a change.

And after time, it just got easier to hold things in a little. And then alot.

And then I had a breakdown. Granted it was a hormonally induced made worse by complete exhaustion breakdown. But I hid it so well for so long that even the person who is supposed to know me better than anyone...didn't know. I had slipped back into that woman that thinks it is easier to just keep everyone else happy and quiet. Despite how she might be hurting. How does that happen? What was I afraid of?

Am I willing to be broken again? Could I rebuild myself again? I've had to do some surface repairing, but what about another overall rehaul? I don't think I can.

So, I mustered up all the courage I had tonight and spoke my mind. Said my peace. Rocked the boat.

Will it make any difference? Honestly, probably not. That's how it got this bad in the first place. Remember, that first time I rebuilt myself I was open and honest and spoke my mind...but it never made a difference. Things didn't change because of what I said or how I felt. So that's when it became easier to stay silent.

So that's where I am right now...the crossroads. Stand still and get hit by a truck. Or cross over and walk into the empty desert.

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